in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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