Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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