I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize