I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and she was petting her beer can
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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