Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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