dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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