I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
