Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
