This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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