Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
