I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
