No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
