I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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