My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
