Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
