Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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