dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
