let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
