Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
