I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
