When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
