To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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