i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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