He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
