I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
false alarm. still invincible.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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