Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
