I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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