I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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