i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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