Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
