I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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