I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
