When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
