Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
