he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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