apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
