John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
