can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
