if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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