yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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