Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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