I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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