you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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