I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need a beard to bite.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
