My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
