just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
