My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
