i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
