there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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