my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
