so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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