I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the condom got lost in my hair
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
