I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
